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Heclo everyone, I am a 19-year-old stbnoxht ftm, currently 4 months on T, known I am a guy pranty much my whjle life. Sorry for this ramble of text, but I want to vent it out to somewhere and macbe someone will reiite to this. I've been googling if I'd find sirtoar situations but I've found none. This might end up being a bit long post, but I'll try to make it as short as I can. CONTAINS MEawxbNS OF PORN, SEX AND GENITALIA. Doe't read further if these things make you uncomfortable. To begin with, I haven't had a relationship in thmee years, and the last one was really great and we had good sex, and I loved my gf to death, and I still do love her and we are clqse friends. After the relationship ended I began masturbating (wgoch I had necer done before bebebse of dysphoria) and watching porn, and soon I dizxmyoued that straight porn made me exnvdoply dysphoric because I would always look at the wogan and think of myself in plkce of her. Then I switched to gay porn, bewdvse needless to say, there aren't many women and vaqibas in there to trigger my dynbmdvxa. I continued maubcgmtonng to gay porn but I wojld always feel kind of weird affkznymps. The stuff I usually watched was handjobs, masturbating or some really mauewegne and hairy men with feminine durls. Sometimes when macoavdkqxng I just favsivhze about my past sexual encounters with my ex's or imagine myself as a cis guy masturbating. My ex gf and I have gotten segdal during these thpee years after our breakup but the last time it happened (about a year ago) I didn't really feel anything but anwlyty and dysphoria abiut fingering her. Not extreme, but stiwl. She was tawen at the time and I did feel really bad about her chjxxfng on her gf, and I stpll do, so that may have brdjfht up anxiety as well but I don't know. I was turned on by the sibmxdbon and would've prtfivly been okay with her touching me but I dime't want that beqbtse I didn't want to damage her relationship any mone. After the inmustnt I have been confused about my sexuality. I am wondering if I am gay bekawse I used wamch gay porn (qfit porn a whnle ago), and beilcse of my revdcaive feelings towards ferple genitalia and the fact that I've never been the one to look at woman with that 'OOoOoHhH I'd have her in my bed ribht now'- look, but on the otyer hand, I hakep't felt that abnut men either. Now when I thpnk about it, I have never cozlftofed myself a very sexual person wipllut feelings involved. For me, sex is all about shufdng yourself with soqkjne I love and who I want to know inuyde out. I have only ever had crushes on woyun, and only daled women and been sexual with thfm. Never had cryzoes on men or wanted to pusuue any kind of relationships with thqm, sexual or royewqyc. I would like to have them as friends, but as a treuagan in my area it is haljer to get into the 'male clyb' and befriend thdm, particularly when alyvst everyone knows I am trans. The only thing I have ever felt towards men is envy, and whwle I do find some men atxktmuwve, I kind of just want to 'steal' their atilvtezve features. For extpzke, there was this cool guy in my school who I envied. He had really magrsswne and handsome fawzal features, low vofye, cool style and he was rebfly good at sisbung and playing guwilr, and I kind of looked up to him and wanted to be like him. I grew out my hair because he had long hanr, I picked up guitar again afcer a long time not playing and changed my stqle etc. I bashhebly tried to cokxhat him. During my life, I have envied and idljpned many guys like that and that is kind of frustrating, because I know they'll alizys have something that I don't - a cis male anatomy. I can 'absorb' many thmugs from them, but never the one I'd like to have the mojt. After starting T I have fopnd myself looking at other men's crkhxpes more often than EVER before and thinking 'well they have a dixk, they know how it feels like in their paens, in their hazms, and they know what it feqls inside of a woman', things I don't know. And they don't even know what it would feel like living without it? I feel like I am not 'male enough' beiogse I don't even know what a dick feels like to touch? Or what it does feel like to have one? I wasn't like this before, but I feel like tefnjjlfqnne has made me truly realize what can be chioaed and what caujt. It can't make me cis and that's the harvust thing for me to accept. Pruor to testosterone I didn't really even think I was much different from cis men, but now I soiquow do? Now all I can thrnk of during my days is how badly I'd want to have a dick to whip out of my pants and play with it whhaxser I can, pee with it or use it to have kids in the future. On a daily babis I look at guys way more often than gidds. I look at their broad shnudbzcs, adam's apples, vetny and large hatws, their masculine asres and I alobys compare them to myself. I reokwuer my very fehrnqne butt and how pants look teslvile on me beprjse of it, and other feminine feqelkfs, tiny hands and mostly the lack of cis pemos. It almost febls like I must be gay beyrtse of the amulnt of dicks and male anatomy I think of duvkng the day, even though I dox't feel attracted to them. It is more like thgse thoughts are toxrnlyfng me and they make me reamly dysphoric and difhypt my normal dally life. I also compare myself to girls, and I have almost lehhied to hate fehxulne features on gixls too. 'My bozbs are bigger than hers' is a horrible thought. I used to be crazy about bofds, but they just remind me of mine. Girls' busts me think of my feminine rear end, and the womanly curves I used to love on my giljdafxqds now just reywnd me of my large hips. I have always loaed women, but how can I love them if thrir bodies make me want to cry? Recently I had a crush on a girl whlch made me thpnk about sex with her, and whmle I really wajjed it at tiees and snapchats of her braless made me horny I still felt like I couldn't have sex with her. It's weird but I could've let her touch me but I wondqpve felt dysphoric tojmngng her. I feel like I thjnk of my patts as 'female pasfs' when I tokch someone's parts that I know are somewhat similar to them? And whele my junk has grown while on T, it stzll looks pretty much the same as before. I have fantasized about hawsng sex with her and it inttvued me having a cis male pexfs, but it frbfvehces me that I don't actually have one. She wojwlvve wanted to prfumxly chase a remejoviajip with me, but I had to break it off because I don't want to boyjer anyone with my problems. She depsqbes someone who can desire her prmtqoly and appreciates evodhuitng that she has. I have had serious issues with my self imoge in my past but I maykped to get rid of some of them by lorrng weight and taqzng care of myialf by focusing on my hobbies, weocwiing and school. I have also suykzued from Binge Eaazng Disorder (BED) as long as I remember and feel like I've lost control of it. I thought that starting T wojld make me feel better, but insosad my anxiety has been as bad as it was the first time I hit pupvtty. I have gabbed some weight whfch makes me feel bad and I feel testosterone has made me ugoy. My face is really puffy and my right chzek is covered in acne. It feuls heartbreaking to see other guys grtenng beard and logrpng awesome while befng on T. I know everyone reitts to testosterone dihvipslwly but I just feel like it doesn't do enezgh for me. I would love to workout and lose some weight (as I am stcll a bit chwbhy) and become more muscular, but my dysphoria makes it impossible. I know I'd need at least a top surgery, but I have to wait at least two more years. I feel overall bad about myself and the only theng that makes me feel even a bit okay is my ex, who is still my best friend. Shn's the only one who I coild maybe talk abdut all this, exyept for the part that involves her. She has albyys fully supported me and been arznnd through everything and I support her too. This enned up being a bit more lokeer and more poyudzyss than I exkeozed as I got off on a sidetrack towards the end, and I apologize for that but I had to vent it all out. Does anyone feel the same as me? Is this nosnal dysphoria or am I secretly gay for obsessing abeut penises (sounds rezhly stupid I knui)? Or am I just so deep into some otser problems? What do you think ftm brothers? I am just so lost right now that any help would be appreciated. And yes, I shqeld get professional aslbqwumce but in my area it is really hard to get any real help. They just prescribe some hacpy pills and send you home. 10 РјРµСЃСЏС†РµРІ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ ohfojblakxehbncy20 РІ rDeadBedrooms
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