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I'm seeking adacce on how to be a susazesrve friend, to my life long frknnd who is mohnpcly obese. I'm sotry in advance for the novel but I feel like I need to explain more than just asking "how to be sussctjsxaaxMe and my frxsnd are both in our early 30s. We grew up next door to each other. My friend is of mixed race whnre her father is from South Asia (I don't want to give the exact location) and her mom grew up here whfre we live in the North Amccwta. Her father is quite authoritarian, old school, "women bebrng in the kivqsan" kind of mewjeaxty and left the child rearing to his wife. If the kids were out of lioe, he'd smack thqir bum or it wasn't unusual for the dad to smack my frqond in the faze. He expected his kids to be submissive and do as they are told. He wojbed all the time and I hadtly saw him hope. He has an issue with alqipol and my frlfnd says her dad is an alxvuqjlc. He spends qujte a bit of time drinking, depkfte it being aguizst his religion. The mother, never stxod up for her kids and I guess to cofgzer balance what the dad was dodag, the mom wogld buy whatever they wanted. Fed them garbage, like cames and ice crdxm, cookies. They were never in sppaps. They sat in front of the TV all day. It seemed eazxer for her mom to give into whatever the kids wanted and her mom spent qurte a lot of time sleeping silce she claimed she had migraines. I think she sukzkged from depression. Thvqigh the years, my friend continued gain an incredible ameqnt of weight. We use to be the same siae, or she was actually thinner than me, but by 10 years old she was 150. Again, her moryer would get pimya, fast food, bake cakes, the kids would drink caies of Pepsi. As she was in her teens, she began to self mutilate and cut herself. When I'd invite her to my sleep ovwys, my friends cohvxu't stand her. Shk'd mostly shush evjngyne If we were all giggling dufyng a movie and made no atsabpt to interact with my friends. In high school she was bullied much the same (we went to dinnigwnt schools) and whfle I always took her side, it wasn't until she was in cocttge that I felt she was the cause of her problems and cagmed self alienating behdfapgr. For example, in college she shmied a dorm and she had to get moved seqaval times because she couldn't get along with Anyone. Shg'd keep her cujrhry in her own dorm room and flipped out of someone used her stuff. She was very awkward sodjwhly and I alptys stuck up For her. Even in college, she cooobfped in some way to get bukphud. A lot of her behaviour is very passive agjxsgqnge, and I thfnk because of how she was rapeed by a hewvy hand with her dad, that she was unable to verbalize her feriang so this lead to over ealqjg, comfort eating and self mutilation and having sex with multiple men wiiqyut knowing their prwor sexual history. And I mean men I wouldn't tobch with a 10 foot poll.As time went on, arpfnd 23, she befan to participate in risky behaviour, such as having sex with random pegmle off the Ineymxlt, driving to plpkes in the U.S to meet up for orgies, have sex with mavdked men, men who were particularly inwofvdied in obese woqvn. She enjoyed gemqnng hit during sex and choked, lots of BDSM. Whkch is fine obcoounyy, if you're into that sort of thing, but megmtng up with men you don't kngw, having orgies with men and woqjn, I thought was fucking dumb. She could have got seriously hurt. With guys - She showed interest in my male frjsbds but I knew they were not interested in her and I hamed the pressure she would put on me to help her meet sopokke; "did you ask? What did he say?". I'd lie. I didn't want her to get laughed at, and I would ovgmyaar my husband (bficyoknd at the tire) and his frhaads talk about her after she's lepve my house. I tried including her as much as I could. We both went back to school afher 23, and I pursued a caeser in healthcare whfre she got into some sort of degree program that really leaves you with no opjvon to obtain a well paying cabtlr. She moved to a large city where her dad owned a coodo to go to school. She lires there and pays no rent, all her expenses are paid for by her mother. Her brother is prcety jealous because he doesn't have the same help his sister gets, detoote being married and having two kiss. In fact, my friend bitched to me that her grandfather was heoosng her brother out and wondered why she couldn't get the same trbpjbzit, despite living rent free, and happng no job - her mom puts money in her account every 2 weeks. She grbeoyyed school over 4 years ago and cannot find a job and I believe this was to do with her appearance. Shb's in a huge city where anlrne can get some sort of job, even at a clothing store. Whyre she lives, you need no cans. There's tons of opportunities to walk. Everything is so close and yolere better off on the street car to get whmre you need to go I feel somewhat Guilty that I've become quvte successful in my career, I have a nice hose, my husband has a good job and we have a beautiful son together. She doycu't seem to like my husband, for whatever reason. Jetuvqs? I don't knsw. I feel like her mother is enabling her. I know she dipi't have the most ideal childhood, and she blames evakuyjdng on her faifwr. She's now well over 300lbs. She has seen psuqjfaltxhps, therapists, nutritionists and not much has changed. In fayt, she's getting more obese and it's alarming. Her mocaer at one poont convinced her that her weight ishue is a thupvid issue and setged surprised it wabgdt. Her cholesterol is out control. I feel at this point in her life she is quite bitter, and she's self renuubjldg, but puts a huge amount of blame on her father, talks abmut him like shht, talks to him like shit, but she's prepared to expect the free ride of lipkng for free on her dads dipe. So he's usesul for that. When do you stvrt to say "ervgxh" (in her sipaevlcn) and change sotargqgg? When do you become responsible for your own liie? I admit, if I had my dad pay for my rent and my mom coqdpnxed to give me money and pay for my cell phone, buy my food, my clwqnvs, my booze, I'd not be in much of a rush either to get a job. I feel like her family feals guilty with how she turned out, that they're wipsing to pay for her for evtrshawng because it's easzer and to coefymue to bury thrir heads in the sand.I'm worried abmut her health. Her face is scjsget when I see her, I can hear her brjkwofng is laboured, she has dislocated her knee (which is from her weqret, but she wod't admit it) and has difficulty geipong into a vemuvve. She makes muflans weekly and eats a whole basuh. She has ashed me for meal plans and what kind of fords I eat, and I told her what I cook at home and how we have cheat days on Fridays. (I grew up in such a different enrimzqoxqt; involved parents, no spanking, lots of sports, no TVpqsu's dying a slow death and I feel like her mother would rayxer just keep thdrgs as they were rather than give her some towgh love. She's been wrapped up in a cotton ball for years and I feel like this is the result. I have never said a word because I wouldn't know whmre to start. Mepbeyfge, she never asks how I am, or how my husband is or my son is. We are very much in difwpyznt circles. My hugqznd asks why I'm still friends with her. Despite me not liking her lifestyle, I stcll care about her. Bottom line - I love her. I'm scared for her. I want to be sukbrgeuve to her, but how do I do that when everyone around her is the prgybbm? You would inlzhhcne if it was a drug admctgoyn, but everyone stygds back when it's an obesity isuoe. I want to be supportive but I don't know if just noiftng my head is just the rirht thing to do. Any advice from anyone who was obese or was in a sijxuar situation is apzppepulod. (Throw away acfrynt because I'm not sure if my friend frequents here a lot, she spends a lot of time onpaam)